The Visit
It is the best and worst day of my life. Every
week as quick as it goes, it comes round again. Visit day. To be close to him
once more if only for two hours, but then to know that was all it was to be
till the next week. To hold him in my arms for seconds before getting told,
‘That’s enough. Sit down,’ by some bustling officer.
This is how our life is and has been for the last 27 months.
I will never forget that night two years ago when I heard that life-changing
knock on the door: six police showing me a warrant and telling me that they had
arrested my husband.
Visit day is the most important day in my week, the day that
means something to me, that holds precious moments for us as a family.
The morning light shines through the blind and my first
thought of each day is, ‘Please can I just sleep all day’, but then I suddenly
realise what day it is and then I jump out of bed filled with such excitement.
It always feels like Christmas has just arrived. Once we’ve dropped the boys
off at school, the girls and I race home to start getting ready. Every visit
gives me the same feeling: as though I am getting ready for a first date and I
want to look my very best, even two years down the line.
As we travel down the motorway, butterflies start to kick in.
We board the ferry, and at that point I know that we are so close it will not
be long until I am in his arms again. Standing outside the visit hall with the
V.O. in my hand, my heart is beating like crazy. We’ve been together for years.
He’s my best friend, my soul mate, my everything. We know each other inside out
but I feel so very nervous.
Our number is called and the girls run and stand in line
awaiting a dog search. A formality that has become a routine to them. We enter
the hall filled with rows of chairs, families greeting their loved ones:
everywhere we look, smiling faces, laughter and tears. The girls spot their dad
from across the room and run towards him in a mad dash, arms wide open.
Grabbing them both, he picks them up and swings them around, smiles on their
faces. My heart begins to sink as I think about what this break is doing, but
then I realise that we have to make every second count and put on a smile. As
he puts the girls down he looks up towards me and opens his arms. The best
feeling in the world, when it’s my turn to be held in his warm arms, to feel
his manly strength that I so long for. His smell catches my nose, and as I
close my eyes I feel at home once more without a care in the world. Safe at last.
This is when I long to be close to him again, as a family –
but at the moment it seems a distant way away dream. But I know that day will
come when the gates open and that day will be the best day of my life. A truly
fairy tale ending.
The children spend some much needed time with their dad
before they head into the child centre, so that we can have a few moments on
our own. Time flies by and before we know it the children return, which means
only one thing: that we only have a few minutes left before they shout ‘Time
please.’ Words that I dread. They clang through my body like a loud gong.
Our final kiss is a magical moment which has me tingling all
over as I get lost in the moment. We could be the only two people in the world,
with a swirling tornado wrapped around us. My heart starts to feel a pain I
know only too well as we’re told to go and join the queue. My eyes start to
well up as we say our goodbyes and it’s left to me to walk away from the man I
love, and there is nothing I can do about it. The pain is so bad I cannot begin
to describe it. I look back across the room with a empty hole in my heart, but
as I look at the children smiling back and blowing kisses I know that I must
stay strong and put on a brave face.
As I walk out of the hall I take one more look back before
the big metal door is slammed behind us. I know that there is no way back, no
chance to run back for one last kiss, we have to just keep looking forward.
Even though it is just for another week it still hurts.
Once we get back to the car we make the much-known journey
back to the city. We board the ferry with the engine firing up, making a
roaring, rumbling noise, and we start to slip away from the dock as we move
slowly to the other side. As I look back I then know that’s it.
I love the time we share together: it’s our special day and
that’s visit day. The best way I can describe visit day is, it’s a bit like a
roller coaster with its highs and lows. Ups and downs, it’s filled with every
emotion possible, love, excitement, hurt and pain.
One day this will end, but for now, this is how our life is
meant to be - visit day.
Louise